The Journey to Your New Self: Normalising Postpartum Grief

Bonnie Knapton

January 31, 2024

Embracing motherhood is an undeniably life-altering event filled with pure ecstasy, love, and anticipation. However, it also opens up a hidden dimension of emotional turmoil that new mothers often grapple with – postpartum grief. The process of metamorphosing into a mother can often be overwhelming, leading to feelings of loss, isolation and sadness, as you bid goodbye to your old identity and learn to welcome your new self. 

The Grief for Your Old Self

Birthing a child is such a transformational life experience, that we can lose sight of the fact that we are being re-birthed too.  Motherhood often entails a deep longing for your past life – a life characterised by spontaneity, independence and a degree of predictability. With the arrival of a baby, life takes on an entirely new rhythm, a symphony of baby cries, feedings, and sleepless nights. The once enjoyed freedom of a carefree life is exchanged for a wave of responsibilities and expectations that come with the territory of a new life dependent on you. 

This transformation, whilst beautifully life-altering in its essence, can still be a cause for intense feelings of loss for the person you used to be. This sense of longing isn’t a sign of weakness or a reason to feel guilt. Rather, it’s a part of the journey that helps you recognise and acknowledge the magnitude of the transition you’re undergoing. 

You have birthed a human being from your body, who needs you for every tiny aspect of living. Your cells, your body, your mind, your personality, your priorities and relationships… All change forever, in the blink of an eye.

How could life ever be the same? How could you? It all happened so fast, that the transition can be immensely painful.  It’s this very acknowledgement of your grief that paves the way for healing and acceptance, facilitating your progression towards embracing your new identity.

Normalising Postpartum Grief

In the midst of societal narratives of postnatal euphoria, it’s crucial to break the silence surrounding postpartum grief. This phenomenon is a deeply personal and frequently encountered reality for many new mothers, even though it is not often vocalised.

It silently takes root in the lives of many, leaving them overwhelmed and grappling with feelings of loss amidst the joyous arrival of a newborn. This silent sorrow is not an anomaly, but a part of the very fabric of becoming a mother, just like the transformation that accompanies pregnancy.

Our societal structures share images of the ideal, joyous mother, often leaving no room to address the storm of emotions that can accompany the arrival of a new life. This imposed silence leads to guilt and shame, causing mothers to suppress their grief.

Yet, by understanding postpartum grief as a normal part of the journey to motherhood, we can start to lift the silence. It’s important to remember that grief does not imply any lack of unconditional love for their baby and being their mother. We need to start honouring that both sides can co-exist.

Acknowledging the presence of grief does not take away the joy of motherhood; instead, it provides a fuller, more authentic picture of what it means to be a mother, consciously, by honouring the emotions that come with it. To challenge the societal taboo surrounding postpartum grief, we need to foster open conversations about it. 

It’s okay to grieve for your old self, to miss your pre-baby life, and to feel uncertain about the new changes. By recognising and validating these feelings, we can create a more supportive, empathetic society where mothers feel seen, heard and accepted.

Embracing this grief is not just about acceptance but also about empowerment. It’s a step that allows mothers to forge a stronger connection with themselves and their children. Every tear shed for the lost self, every moment spent listening to her passions, her pain and the truth of her experience, is a step towards accepting and welcoming the new, nurtured self. This is how we can embody the resilience, strength, and love that lives inside of us as woman, and as mother.

Navigating postpartum grief requires conscious parenting, where mothers are not shamed or stigmatised for their feelings. It’s about creating space for emotions, allowing them time to learn about their new selves, to spoil themselves with self-love, and to push aside the unrealistic expectations that society often places on new mothers. As we normalise this grief, we give mothers the freedom to embrace their transformation without guilt or fear, paving the way for a more holistic, mindful journey into motherhood. 

Rebirthing a New Identity

The transition into motherhood marks the birth of a new self, one that is more powerful, embodied and integrated as they ever were. This metamorphosis, whilst profound, demands understanding, patience, and a deep sense of self-compassion. Instead of mourning the end of your former self, learn to embrace the fall of the masks, and welcome who you are becoming,  with open arms.

Whilst you may no longer be the person you once were, you are evolving into a more profound, vulnerable version of yourself. This is what’s needed in order to rise as a mother, as a positive role model, and to strengthen your sense of self for your future and the generations to come.

 Let this process unfurl at its own pace, pushing aside any self-judgement or criticism. As you navigate this time, it’s vital to acknowledge the significant changes happening within you. Recognise that the woman who once held steadfastly onto her independence is now nurturing a life that relies entirely on her. 

Understand that the woman who thrived on spontaneity and unpredictability is now meticulously planning and organising her day around a little human being who will be forever happy joining and mirroring you as you go about your life. Nothing is set in stone. Any cravings you have for spontaneity and independence can still be honoured, whether it be through asking for support and receival, or through feeding this need alongside your child. 

This new you, this maternal you, is still the old you – just stronger, more resilient, more loving, and infinitely more powerful.

Just as a caterpillar doesn’t shed and become a butterfly overnight, your metamorphosis into motherhood is a process that requires time and presence. 

Remember to give yourself the grace period you deserve to adapt, to grow and to fully bloom into this newfound role. There is no set timeline or checklist to follow. Each day will bring its own set of challenges, unconditional love and opportunities for growth.

Whilst the chrysalis of your old self may seem comfortable and familiar, trust in the process that enables your wings to unfurl, allowing you to mould into a new life. 

Instead of resisting, how would it feel to lean into it?

Embrace the changes with an open heart, knowing that each moment of uncertainty or discomfort is a stepping stone towards becoming the best version of yourself – a version that is not only capable of loving and caring for another life but is also capable of honouring the ever-changing needs of your whole being.

Remember, motherhood isn’t just about becoming a parent to your child; it’s also about re-parenting yourself, wholesomely nurturing the new you, no matter what season of womanhood and motherhood you may be in. You are not just becoming a mother; each day, each moment, you are rebirthing your identity. And it is this constant state of becoming, of evolving, that is the truth of motherhood.

Seeking Support

It’s imperative to remember that seeking assistance or confiding in others does not imply weakness; rather, it underlines the courage to admit your struggles and allows others to provide you with the support we’ve always needed in order to survive as human beings. Find safe spaces to express your feelings, where you can be listened to without judgement or them trying to change your experience. Feeling your emotions is so vital in being able to release them. 

You’ll find peace in connecting with other mothers who are going through or have been through similar experiences. There can be great comfort and reassurance in knowing that you are not alone, that others have navigated the same pain. Support groups, online forums, community meetups and women circles are all beautiful examples of mindful support. 

If your feelings of grief are intense or persistent, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Mental health professionals like therapists, psychologists, or psychiatrists can provide you with specialised support and guidance, helping you navigate your emotions more effectively. They can help you understand your feelings, provide strategies to manage them and ensure that your grief does not escalate into postnatal depression.

Whatever your choice of support, the most important thing is not to isolate yourself. Don’t shut yourself away from the world or bury your feelings under the weight of societal expectations. Reach out, express your feelings, and let others be there for you in your time of need. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a demonstration of strength and self-love. So, let the world in and allow yourself to be held.

Nurturing the New You

In the wonderful but often chaotic journey into motherhood, it’s easy to forget that you too, like your newborn, need care and attention. Embrace the fact that prioritising your own well-being is not an act of selfishness, but a vital component towards this transformation. Taking note of the glimmers within your day, (the little moments that you’re thankful for), to spoil yourself in your own company, connecting with your new self can be deeply healing. This could involve anything from engaging in a meditative walk, treating yourself to a soothing bubble bath, cooking a new meal, basking in the sun with your favourite book, feeling the rain on your skin as you run, artistically expressing yourself through poetry or painting… The list is endless.

Adopt an attitude of kindness and patience towards yourself. Acknowledge a gradual unfolding of your new self. Every step taken, no matter how small, is a significant step into who you were always supposed to be.

Fostering a nurturing relationship with yourself is an ongoing process. It is a conscious decision that you need to make every day. It is about acknowledging that you matter, that your feelings, thoughts and desires are important. It is about giving yourself the permission to feel, to laugh, to cry, to dream, to seek help when you need it and to say no when you must.

Remember, by taking care of your own emotional, physical and mental well-being, you are not just nurturing yourself but also creating a healthy environment for your child to thrive in. You are setting a powerful example for your child, teaching them about the importance of honouring all that makes us human.

Honour your needs, make every moment sacred (yes, even the pain) and remember to nurture yourself with every breath you take. After all, motherhood isn’t just about raising children, it’s about mothering the mother, re-parenting ourselves and holding space for our own inner child. 

If you’d like to hear more on Motherhood Unplugged, I urge you to read my blog on ‘How to Embrace Balance Within the Wild of Motherhood’, with a FREE GUIDE including 5 Nervous System Regulation Practices to soothe you and your children in times of stress, overwhelm and anxiety.