For Conscious Parenting to Work, Childhood Myths Need to Be Released

Since we were young, those who influence us have led us to believe an array of childhood myths which can birth fear, miscommunication, and contribute to the dysregulation cycle within our children and us as we learn conscious parenting.

There is a bias living within our subconscious minds that leads us to put labels and stereotypes on everything we see and experience, in order to try to make sense of them.

These biases can be unintentionally damaging, as they affect how we look at the world and  our relationships, especially our connection to our children. 

Up until very recently, there has been an authoritative hierarchy to parenting, which leaves no room for evolving, learning and healing together with our children. 

Our children are vulnerable and we are here to keep them safe, but that’s not all that they are. They are human beings just like us, with the same needs and feelings, but when they are young, they are not able to express themselves as well as us.

In order to truly connect with ourselves and our children, we need to begin by addressing them as sole human beings that have unique needs, skills and a contribution to our lives that is incomparable. 

Children are Inherently Good

We start by seeing our children as inherently good. 

Society, culture, stereotypes and family dynamics haven’t affected our children’s minds the way that it has with us, so they are a blank state.

They are pure nature instincts, so it would go against our human design to feel like they are anything but baby cubs, being released into the wild, with only their creator to show them the way. 

To be a conscious parent means to show up as you are, allowing your children to do the same. It’s a way of parenting that releases control, dictatorship or childism, which allows us to prioritise looking at our own triggers and experiences.

We can then use this to be authentic parents that evolve and learn from their mistakes and their imperfect humanness, by constantly learning and reconnecting, without ever severing the connection.

The pioneer of Somatic Experiencing, states: ““Trauma is not what happens to us but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness”

The old-fashioned childhood myths which can damage the awareness of parent and child when conscious parenting, are wired within our subconscious minds. 

They are born from myths that have been passed down through history and society that may have led us to look at our child’s behaviour from a place of judgement or expectation. This isn’t usually conscious. 

These Thoughts Aren’t Yours, They Were Given to You

Re-call to yourself constantly, that children are inherently good. They have no inclination for manipulation or bad intentions. Young children, especially those who may not have found their language, or be able to understand their emotions yet, can show you all you need to know about your inner world and the ecosystem around you.

This way of thinking has been given to you, it’s not yours, and doesn’t make anything wrong with you. You are a human that’s just trying to learn and teach with only the resources you’ve been given.

You have triggers, traumas, and make mistakes just like anyone. Role modelling this to your child is how you teach them about authenticity, expression and resilience.

 Give yourself grace as you navigate the ever-changing world of your child, and allow yourself to release the stereotypes and presumptions that don’t resonate with who you are and how you want to show up as a conscious parent. 

Without further ado, here are 6 myths that need releasing for conscious parenting to work:

Childhood Myth 1. You can spoil a child and they will struggle to learn how to regulate themselves if you soothe them every time your child cries or gets dysregulated.

It’s impossible to spoil a child with too much love. A child’s primal needs are based around feeling safe and nourished by their parent. This is the meaning of conscious parenting. How they learn about the world is through you and your way of showing up for them.

Each time you soothe your child with coregulation by comforting them when they are upset or dysregulated, you are nurturing your child to build neural pathways in their brain, strengthening their ability to soothe themselves as they grow.

Our coregulation is teaching our little ones how to regulate themselves as they grow, until they’ll be out in the world soothing themselves. 

Childhood Myth 2. Children are being ‘naughty’, or ‘not nice’ when they are loud, screaming, physical with others or throwing themselves around/having tantrums. 

Toddlers experience a vast change in hormones around this age, that is often described as a ‘mini puberty’ or ‘Adrenarche’, which is never accounted for when our toddlers change seemingly ‘overnight’, into incredibly expressive and easily reactive little humans. 

Becoming activated during this stage of their life can result in a very sensitive nervous system (easily dysregulated), as they are experiencing huge emotions, yet struggle to express their needs in a calm way. 

So, they tell you that they have an unmet need or want through the only communication they know how- their senses. They will use sound and touch especially to regulate themselves.

Children aren’t being unkind when they act physically towards people, or are displaying challenging behaviour. They have no inclination or wiring for ill intention or manipulation. They are simply expressing their needs. How can you become curious about what this could be?

 Childhood Myth 3. You must entertain, play and stimulate your child constantly, in order to nurture their healthy development

The foundation of what your child needs is you. Your presence, safety, love, nourishment is given,and their primal needs are met.

This doesn’t have to be fancy stimulating toys, classes and your constant taking part in activities.

Child-led play is not only amazing for their development and confidence, but their main desire is to feel involved and to help you. Children are over the moon to support you with doing life. They want to walk with you, exercise with you, do your shopping with you, clean with you, do art with you, play with you, and just do life with you. Conscious parenting doesn’t ask you to revolve your life around your child. This happens from a place of expansion when we simply live as our nervous system calls us to, within the company of our children.

Childhood Myth 4. The ‘terrible twos’

This intertwined with number 2. The label of ‘terrible twos’ has always been upsetting to me, as it’s a derogatory term for children who are experiencing some really big changes that we’re here to help them navigate. 

They are not being terrible, they are learning, feeling, and processing a very new world, environment and mind. This is a way to label a child, when they simply have very big emotions, without the ability to articulate them like we can. 

Their brain is becoming more in-sync and intelligent to their surroundings, yet they are not able to understand it, so they easily become overstimulated and dysregulated. 

You can read more about the myth of the ‘terrible twos’ here: Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the “Terrible Twos” (momwell.com)

Childhood Myth 5. A child has ‘calmed down’ after being shouted at, isolated or ignored when they are silent or placid. 

When disciplining our children, it can be easy to become dysregulated ourselves, and lead from a place of fear, or from coping skills that were given to us from our own parents.

Our children are our biggest teachers, and that includes teaching us about our own triggers and ways we weren’t met as children. 

You may mistakenly shout, isolate or ignore the cries of your child, and believe they have ‘calmed down’ or ‘thought about their actions etc’ when becoming silent or placid. But this can also mean that the child has gone into the ‘freeze’ state of their nervous system, because they don’t believe anyone is coming to meet their needs.

Go gentle and reconnect with yourself and your child, by expressing, apologising, co-regulating, connecting and most importantly, learning from the experience.

Childhood Myth 6. You shouldn’t show sadness, anger, grief and shame in front of your child (and any other difficult emotions)

Many have been taught the childhood myth that we are our children’s saviour, who must model resilience and calmness at all times. This isn’t helpful to our children being able to model healthy behaviours when it comes to expressing and understanding their emotions. 

This also goes hand-in-hand with apologising. Many old school parents have struggled to apologise when they’ve made a mistake, out of fear of seeming ‘weak’, or it having an adverse effect on their child’s respect for them. Conscious parenting, is to unsubscribe from this notion.

It can be important to remember that we all make mistakes, become triggered, and feel every emotion available to us. It’s how we express these in a healthy way. 

We show them the importance of releasing their sadness, anger, grief or shame through relevant practices that regulate you both.

To learn more about regulating your nervous system with your child, you can download my free guide at the end of this post.

You can read my blog post on nervous system regulation for mothers here, which is accessible with your child in tow: Nervous System Regulation Techniques for Mothers (wildlyrootedwoman.com)