Unsubscribing to Societies Expectations of Motherhood
Societies expectations put on mothers to be it all, but to be invisible while you do so
The intense expectations placed on a mother within our society, are suffocating, contradictory and mythical, at best.
If I was to ask 100’s of different people, what makes a ‘good mother’, I know they would all say different things. They would all have similarities, and some would be absurd and outdated to us, and some we may resonate with. No matter what you’ve heard about being a mother, it’s completely individual, and based only on what that person was taught within their childhood, adulthood, and society.
All societal expectations of motherhood tend to have a similar theme, which is to tend to the full spectrum of needs of our children, which I feel we can all agree with.
It’s no secret that to thrive as a human being, we need a healthy routine which includes a nourishing diet, movement, safety, care, love, and hygiene, as well as play, challenge, and teachings.
But, when these primal responsibilities of motherhood are infused with the unrealistic expectations to be the ‘perfect’ mother, this becomes a detriment to her health.
I say it time and time again, but the care of the mother is intrinsically linked to the parenting and quality of life of our children.
The unreasonable expectation of motherhood is to take on the roles of a village, yet to also focus all her love, care, and presence on her children, is a contradictory expectation.
This unfortunately isn’t even always conscious in our society. It’s embedded within the subconscious teachings, judgements and stereotypes we have.
I’ve realised that I can unsubscribe at any time. These are not my stereotypes; they were passed onto me as a mother like they were my ‘truth’. They don’t belong to me, and they don’t serve the needs of my child. Because they don’t serve me.
The Contradictory Societal Expectations of Motherhood
- To get back to ‘normal’ ASAP – in work life, in relationships and in body.
There is a damaging misunderstanding of the deep metamorphosis a woman’s body has just endured. Even when we give ‘6-8 weeks’ before we can exercise, or go back to work, this gives the idea that we are ‘back to normal’ after this specific date, when our body will never entirely go back to normal. We have changed forever.
The Societal Expectations Placed on a Mother’s Body
It’s said that postpartum is for 7 years, the same amount of time it takes for our cells to regenerate.
There are far too many factors to consider here. If a mother is breastfeeding, for example, her hormones and body won’t rebalance until about 18 months after she’s stopped. Many also have another child within this time, which will restart the process!
There are endless reasons why a woman’s body won’t and can’t just ‘go back to normal’ either. She has carried a baby within her womb for 9 months, which has expanded to give a home to her child. If a mother is breastfeeding, she’s also still nourishing a whole person, which requires even more nutrition and fluids for them both.
Not to mention, an average baby will wake every 2-3 hours, some nights won’t sleep at all, and need their needs met around the clock, so mothers are far too exhausted to just ‘get back into it’ with intense exercise. Even now, with my daughter being 18 months old, I’m only able to put my energy into gentle yoga, walks and dance.
This societal expectation of mothers also doesn’t take time into account. When you become a mother, your priorities change, and it’s rarer for mothers to have the village we once had. Any spare time we have is spent on work, errands, and rest. Many also don’t have the financial resources or the ability to have childcare to be able to move their bodies in the same way. It’s usually not until our children are older, that energy reserves grow, and our time expands.
For now, the most important priority is our baby.
The Work Expectations Society Puts on Mothers
After 6-8 weeks, a mother is expected to get back to her ‘normal’ ways of working. Placing our newborn babies into childcare or sending them to their grandparents when they are new to our world, is deemed as the priority, over nourishing ourselves and our baby, during this ripe transformation.
It’s taken a lot of work in society for women to be seen as independent earners, equal to the abilities of men, but when it comes to motherhood, we cannot be equal to men. Our whole physiology has changed, and the foundation of our child’s coregulation and bonding is simply to be close to their mothers.
Pushing mothers to go back to work too early, working the whole day, and then expected to come home to a clean house, to be a present mother, to practice self-care, cook dinner, and to be a ‘good’ partner, just goes against what is humanly possible for anyone.
To attempt to take on this many roles within motherhood, something will always have to give.
For many, what falls short is maybe a clean house or a nutritious meal. For some, their relationship may be what gives- they may not have time for each other, living as if they are housemates. For some, self-care just won’t be possible, or they may not be able to show up fully to their work responsibilities.
But do you know what usually happens?
What occurs more often, from a mother trying to take on society’s expectations, is that she can ‘do it all’, but she is the one that falls short.
This is where postpartum anxiety and depression are born. By being unsupported and expected to take on roles meant for a tribe of people, she ends up working the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs. You can read more on the study here.
It was never meant to be this way.
2. There is a right and wrong way to parent
It goes without saying, that there are non-negotiables in my parenting, which include physically, mentally, or spiritually harming them in any way, which is a conscious choice.
Our parenting style will start like our parents, and then we can choose what we want to keep and what we’d like to release. You can read more about how we have the power to change our ancestry in parenting here.
There is a belief that runs deep within our society, that being a mother or a parent, is about being the perfect, calm role model all the time.
We are human beings, with our own triggers, adverse experiences, trauma, and bad days. It can be easy to get consumed by fear that one mistake in language, raised voice or way of dealing (or not dealing) with a situation, will harm our child’s development and mental health.
The only thing that will do this, is when we stop apologising for our mistakes, stop learning from them, or stop evolving with our children. That is the best role model you can be.
My purpose here revolves around nervous system regulation for parents and children, as well as conscious parenting, and I know more than anyone, that being a perfect parent isn’t possible. We don’t want to model something impossible for our children to strive for, either.
To learn more about conscious parenting, you can read here.
To learn more about nervous system regulation for mothers and children, read here.
3. You have to entertain your child constantly
When I first became a mother, I was riddled with anxiety that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ to entertain my daughter. I was swept away with all the resources, toys and groups out there, going to them all and doing my best to keep her stimulated as much as I could until I crashed.
I was already exhausted, and this constant active play and fun and games was beginning to get overstimulating for me too. I was running on empty, so I began to tell myself that I was allowed to be with her in company, whilst doing things that centred me too.
I began to bring back yoga, breathwork and writing. I told myself for too long it was all about her, but I accidentally realised, that what put my needs first, was also putting her needs first.
I’d never seen her happier and calmer than when not only I was, but when she saw me doing things for myself, that she wanted to be involved in.
Instead of intense sensory toys and activities, she found the most joy in playing with the pots and pans, my hair, or pressing buttons. She found play in every corner, in every sound. She sees a world in the simplest of things.
I’ve realised the hard way, that child-led play, loose routines, and bringing her into my life, have enriched her life and regulated my nervous system, so now this is how we live.
4. Working Mothers are More Hardworking/Better Mothers or Vice Versa
Societal expectations are so challenging to deal with because there are contradictions everywhere. They are all judgements, to try and make sense of an ever-changing culture, and this includes the role of a working mother, vs a stay-at-home mother.
As I recently stated, being a working mother is another added role to our already long list, and no matter what responsibilities a mother has outside of her home, at home, they are around the clock too.
But the thing is, that never automatically equates it to being harder. Society tries to make us compete, but this is not a competition. We are all trying our best with the resources we have available to us.
Being at home with our children never automatically equates us to ‘being the lucky ones’ or having a relaxing life. Whether you’re a stay-at-home mother, or a working mother, we are using every ounce of energy and love to be able to fulfil the unique roles and life we have for ourselves. There is no wrong or right. No better or less than. These are society’s words, not ours.
5. Breastfeeding for at least a year, and if any longer, this is ’strange’.
When it comes to breastfeeding, this is one of the biggest contractionary societal expectations there is. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of mythical misinformation when it comes to breastfeeding.
If chosen to breastfeed, they tell you it’s best to feed your child up until the year mark, but most mothers choose to stop beforehand for their own individual reasons, which has nothing to do with society.
When mothers choose to breastfeed their child for longer than a year, it is seen as ‘strange’ and ‘weird’, and many find it uncomfortable, which can be disturbing, as those who choose to (I am one of them) are doing so for the health of their child.
Many have been mistaught that the breast is a sexual organ when it’s not. The breast was always created for a baby’s nourishment, no other reason.
There’s a fascinating study that’s been researched on mother’s experiences of breastfeeding beyond a year, including the cultural and societal expectations of mothers.
This research also includes their findings that breastfeeding up until 2 years is recommended for children to receive the full spectrum of benefits.
No matter how you choose to parent your child, feed your child, and live your life, you are an amazing mother.